Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Cadillac in Hong Kong

Manila Hostage Tribute Part 8 of 8: Half a Cadillac Escalade


This is a black Cadillac Escalade. A popular Sport Utility Vehicle in the States, made locally and not available in Hong Kong. They're quite common, especially among African Americans. I won't say it is an expensive car, but it's not cheap like a Kia or a Civic either. Probably on the higher rungs of a mid-priced car?

My point is, something that's common and quite popular elsewhere, may appear as a rare and unknown commodity in our city. If an Escalade rolled down Queen's Road or the East Corridor, we'd do a double-take.

I don't want to dismiss what happened in Manila to be something common elsewhere, but it's a symbol of how fortunate we are that hostage situations are NOT common in Hong Kong. We live in such a peaceful and harmonious (relatively) city that we take many things for granted, like a stellar telecommunication network, superb public transportation and no terrorists. Sure, our housing prices are through the roof, but at least we don't have to deal with these gaudy, over-sized gas guzzlers on the narrow streets of Mong Kok. Not to mention, Escalades are prime targets for drive-bys and grand theft auto. Two other issues that are anything but common in Hong Kong.

This brings an end to the tribute to the Manila hostage situation and I hope Hong Kong can move past this ordeal and, though it may be impossible to forget, find it in our hearts to at least forgive.

Peace!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Black Coffee

Manila Hostage Tribute Part 7 of 8: Half a cup of Black Coffee

Anybody who says they like black coffee is a pretentious bastard. It tastes bitter, sour and downright horrible. However, it does have the welcomed effect of waking us up with a rude jolt of nasty aftertaste.

Much like the situation that we as the people of Hong Kong have endured in Manila, we have been violently shaken conscious by the fact that we cannot take anything for granted. We may have the means to education, to wealth, to material things, to travel. But these things can be easily washed away by a large cup of black coffee...

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Bad Luck?

Manila Tribute Part 6 of 8: Half a Black Cat


The black cat. An infamous symbol of bad luck. Can we simply blame bad luck for what happened to the victims of the Manila hostage situation? If you believe in superstition and bad luck, then sure, bad luck played a major role.

Can we simply blame the SWAT team's incompetence for the loss of lives? The corruption of the Filipino police? The madness of Mendoza? The lack of adequate equipment? The less than stellar relations between the President and the Police commander?

If you believe in everything the media reports, then sure, all of the above played their parts in the debacle.

Isn't it sad we never hear "good news" anymore?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

With great power...

Manila Tribute Part 5 of 8: Half a Symbiotic Spiderman

Spidey in black, much like the symbiotic alien, oozed cool. But don't forget, he did get into a whirl of trouble with an attitude that was detrimental to his dating game, violent tendencies against his usual self and horrible, horrible dance moves.

Lucky for us, Spidey snapped out of it and returned to the friendly neighborhood red and blue.

So too, must our mourning eventually end, as we restore color to Hong Kong, the city of neon lights.

Hate, blame and anger may feel invigorating, but it cannot be allowed to last.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Dancing Darth?

Manila Hostage Tribute Part 4 of 8: Half a Darth

I know this picture looks like he's doing some sort of Step Up 3D dance move, but it's really because he's holding his red lightsaber in his right hand and I had to crop it to keep with the monochromatic theme.

So why is he symbolic tribute?

Easy! Darth Vader is only the most badass villain with a conscience! His son was a little wussy and all, yet he still sacrificed his own life to save Luke's.

That in and of itself should make any list that requires a lot of black.

Black Friday?

Manile Hostage Tribute 3 of 8: Half a pair of Black Friday Air Force 1's


Black Fridays usually meant Friday the 13th, a day believed to be of bad luck. Now, Black Fridays are associated with Thanksgiving sales, Christmas parties and inspiration for fashion and footwear, as depicted by this beautiful pair of Nike shoes. Though the Manila situation was not on a Friday, it still marked a black and sorrowful day for Hong Kong. Remember it we shall, but we must also triumph over this dark scar. I'm not saying we should start selling Giordano T-shirts that sat "SWAT: Philippines" or having appreciation sales at Sogo... At least not right away.

The people of Hong Kong will and shall prevail!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Analyse This

So I finally installed Google Analytics on this Blog, and I just got yesterday's results.

5 visits.

Yeah, 5.

FIVE.

And I visited my blog at least 4 times! I really wish I had this installed earlier so I can see which posts worked and which didn't But my gut feeling tells me that none of them really did... I have to get better at this. So much good content in here left unread...

Or is there?

I spent some time on SLATE and that is one awesome site for the most out-of-this-world articles such as the World's loneliest man and preventing female orgasms. Insightful, entertaining and humorous all at the same time!

I have to get better. I need focus. I was brewing new ideas for blogs and I came up with twice as many visits I got yesterday.

That's right, TEN different blog ideas.

I need more time to think... I shall save more brewing for tomorrow.

***

Manila Hostage Tribute 2 of 8: Half a Black Mamba T-Shirt
Carpe Diem. Or "Seize the Day". Kobe Bryant aka The Black Mamba's mantra. We too should take this opportunity to Carpe Diem and treasure each and every day because tomorrow is not a guarantee but a privilege.


Manila Hostage Tribute Part 1 of 8

The flags in Hong Kong will be flown at half-mast today in remembrance to those who perished in the Manila hostage situation. Websites across the region have donned black and white motifs as a sign of respect.

As a fitting tribute, Post-80's blog will adopt and combine both these symbolic gestures by changing to a black and white template and posting half a monochromatic symbol each day for the next 8 days: one for each death (including Mendoza).

Symbol #1: Half of Jay-Z's The Black Album

I'm just glad we got to see each other
Talk and re-meet each other, save a place in Heaven
Till the next time we meet forever
- Moment of Clarity

Rest easy for those with family left behind. Closure will be hard to come by, but I wish you all find it in your hearts to forgive and live your lives as the departed so dearly wish for you to live.

Hang in there, for you shall re-meet in Heaven.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Reaction to Hostage Situation in Manila

This is definitely a very sad day for the people of Hong Kong. We have only seen death and terrorism in other countries from afar but when it strikes so close to home, the reaction is one of confusion, surprise, anger and disbelief. Below are some comments I have seen on Facebook which illustrate the emotions going on in our over-populated city right now:

***

It's raining..... Must be sad for those victims. R.I.P.

‎:-( sadden... How can philippine police be this bad!

Still feeling extreme sad and mad.... speechless ...

Wish it is fake news

We should probably having army training in HK, esp for guys

For once, I am thankful for HK police

***

I still remember the morning of September 11. Seeing the twin towers go down on TV felt almost surreal. At the time I did not care to think about the victims or the motive... it just felt so far away on the East coast while I was just waking up on the West. I didn't really feel the impact until I visited the actual site a few years later. I felt a profound sense of sadness and futility.

There was absolutely no way of stopping it. No way of reversing what has already happened. No one we can put the blame on.

At least that is my belief.

Thus, I have a theory. Every now and then, some people will just have to die. It's like an unwritten quota like those traffic police who have to issue however many parking tickets each month. If you subscribe to this theory, then all we can do is be thankful that it weren't us, pay our respects for the victims sacrifice and live our lives to the fullest.

Each and every single day.

As for the victims, there is nothing anybody can do to bring them back. All we can do is wish that their family members will find the closure that they need to live their lives to the fullest.

Each and every single day.

I hope for the people of Hong Kong to keep your hate and anger in check; for the religious to send your prayers to the victims and their family; for the Filipino SWAT team (who're going to get/already getting a ton of heat) to accept my gratitude for saving the people that you have, cos' I know squat about SWAT other than Rainbow Six video games; for the Filipino's in Hong Kong to continue working for us and not leave because we're all mad from being really emotional right now. Y'all are good people and great helpers even if it means we lose access to Central on Sundays.

Peace to all and please like this if you're on Facebook.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Yet More Drabbles!

Drabbles are stories with exactly 100 words. The challenge is to fit all the necessary parts of a story into such a limited number of words! Check this one out:

***

Arthur Bench was a hardworking carpenter. From dusk till dawn, he saw to put supper on the table. Every Sunday he would come to pray at that very spot. As a bored lad he sat there, carving pictures into the wood. As a nervous groom he stood there, waiting for his bride. As a proud father he wept there, witnessing his child's baptism. Thus, it is almost of divine satire that a cupboard would fall through the roof of this church and land on that very spot. To commemorate his unfortunate demise, the replacement pew will be named "A Bench".


***

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dance Battle: 2 The Streets vs 3D

I just watched Step Up 3D and here're a battle between it and the previous installment.

THE TITLE

2 The Streets vs 3D
Both titles are corny plays on the sequel number. The second installment disguised "to" as "2" to convey the transition from the walled establishments of MSA "2" the Streets. This is alot morel, simply appending the letter "D" to the end of "3". Yes, the movie is in 3D, but that's too obvious. Step Up 2 wins for 3's sheer lack of creative effort.
Advantage: Step Up 2

LEAD CHARACTERS

Chase (Robert Hoffman) vs Luke (Rick Malambri)
More commonly known as the "dudes" in the movie, I didn't really pay much attention to this battle. I felt they were interchangeable in terms of actors, but I'm going to give the nod to Luke because his stakes were way higher and looked less like a member of the Backstreet Boys.
Advantage: Luke @ Step Up 3D

Moose vs Moose 3D (Adam Sevani)
The only returning character is Moose played by Sevani, who is adorable as ever and even a better dancer. He was able to showcase more of his repertoire and his rendition of "Singing in the Rain" was both refreshing and classical.
Advantage: Moose 3D

Andie (Briana Evignon) vs. Natalie (Sharni Vinson)
Despite both dancers showing quite a bit of boobage by way of push-up sport bras, Andie runs away with this one. She's prettier, younger (by 3 years) and sassier than her counterpart. Dance-wise, Natalie takes it, but she's just too far behind in the other aspects to catch up.
Advantage: Andie @ Step Up 2 by at least 20 miles

CAMEO APPEARANCE

Tyler Gage (Channing Tatum) vs The Asian Girl (Mari Koda)
The Asian girl provided one moment of comic relief with her trademark "I don't have accent", but she was from Step Up 2 to begin with. Channing Tatum appearing in Step Up 2 and actually battling Andie still rocks as the overgrown vanilla gorilla who can dance.
Advantage: Channing Tatum @ Step Up 2

OTHER

Final Dance Scene vs Final Dance Scene 3D
Light-up clothing is cool, but that just reminds me of LA Gear and children wear. Not exactly the most bad-ass gimmick for a dance battle. In Step Up 2, the soundtrack to the final battle scene was a lot more powerful and the fact that it was done outdoors in the rain really amped up its epic-ness. I don't even remember the beat to 3D's final scene.
Advantage: Step Up 2

Jon Chu vs Jon Chu 3D
Chu really packed in a lot more dance scenes in 3D. I guess he had no choice considering the lackluster storyline and less than capable actors he was working with. There were some new talents in 3D, but they weren't as jaw-dropping or awe-inspiring as 2 the Streets (except for Robot Man... that dude is off the hook!). Also, it seemed like the 3D technology forced some questionable shot-selection in the film. It didn't look as natural or explosive.
Advantage: Step Up 2

FINAL VERDICT

Although it looks like Step Up 2 is the runaway winner (and it is), that's not to say that 3D was bad. It wasn't as good, but it was still enjoyable. Just don't go see it for the story; see it to feel a rhythm in your heart and feast upon the beauty and seemingly impossible movements of the human body.

A word to film-makers not named Cameron, just drop the 3D glasses thing. It's cramping some of y'all's styles!

WINNER: Step Up 2 The Streets

Friday, August 20, 2010

What is Euro Tart?

Euro tart [yoo r-oh tahrt]
-noun
1. a topless pie containing fruit from Europe
2. a covered pie containing fruit from Europe
3. Slang . a prostitute or promiscuous woman from Europe
4. Slang . a sexually ambiguous man from Europe
5. Slang . a plain frozen yogurt

After the infiltration and success of bubble-tea, Gong-cha and other non-alcoholic liquid concoctions from Taiwan, fries from New York and Ireland, gelato from Italy, doughnuts and cupcakes from America (both of which have already or are bound to fail), Euro Tart is like the next big thing right now in Hong Kong.

As if we don't have enough prostitutes and gays already!

Seriously though, I believe we do need more food in the famished streets of Mong Kok and Causeway Bay. People are absolutely starving from the siu mais, curry fishballs, beef innards, sausages, fried chicken thighs and stinky tofu. Not to mention the limited selection of desserts like peanut butter waffles, mango sagos, shaved ice (also from Taiwan) and germ-infested ice cream cones are really starting to annoy the people of Hong Kong.

And it's not the watery, non-fat, has-it-gone-bad-tasting yogurt we're used to either! Trust me, Euro Tart is here to stay. I've tried it, and it's freaking amazing!

The filth that came out of that woman's mouth and ditto the man put in his...

Yum!

Picture taken by the one who introduced me to it, PimpMamaT.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

More Drabbles...

I wrote two versions of this drabble. Which do you like more?

***

Version 1:

I am green like the eyes of my painter. I can be a leaf or grasshopper, but never a stop sign.

I am red like the hair on my painter. I have been spilled on battlefields and forged in fire. Never will you find me blue, for I am passion personified.

I am blue like the mood of my painter. I am the sky, the sea and a berry. Humor me not for I am sad by nature.

I am your painter. Mix thyself into white to cover these errors I have made in black ballpoint on this loan application.

***

Version 2:

I am green and I serve thee. I can be a leaf or grasshopper, but never a stop sign. Master, what do you bid of me?

I am red
and I serve thee. I have been bled on battlefields and forged in fire but never will I feel blue. Master, what do you bid of me?

I am blue and I serve thee. I am the sky, the sea and a mood. Humor me not master, what do you bid of me?

I am your master and I bid thee mix with flit. For without light, I can't see shit.

***

Again, drabbles must be exactly 100 words. Here's an extra credit question: One of the above versions is actually WRONG. Can you tell which one and why?


Hardons for Cartoons

I realized very early on in life that I will become a sucker for the ladies. Growing up, I loved cartoons. Particularly ones that gave me hard-ons that hurt from pre-circumcision. Guys, don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about here. See if remember these childhood hotties:

Janine Melnitz, Ghostbusters
Receptionist of the Ghostbusters and love interest for Egon planted the early seeds of deception that even geeks can get the girl. The tight office wear and horny glasses (pun very much intended) were a real turn-on even at age 5.

Arcee from Transformers:
Arguably the hardest nipples you would ever find since Arcee is made of metal. Notice the pink near beneath the Autobot sign? It is purposely curved upwards to suggest the presence of robotic bosoms.

She-Ra, She-Ra: Princess of Power
The first blonde on the list, but more importantly, the first to show cleavage. See that line that runs for about 4mm from her chest-plate? Boom, boobage! Look at how she's stroking that sword. Reeeaaooorrrr...

Barbie
Ok, Barbie is technically not a cartoon, but if your 5 year old boy ever came across one of these dolls and did not peel those bathing suits down to discover (to his horror) a pair of nipple-less plastic boobs, you be worried! Also, if your boy drew down enough of the bathing suit to inspect Barbie's smooth crotch, you need to sit him down and tell him the truth!

Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
I remember a classmate from kindergarten whose name was Jessica. She was mixed race and I thought she was really cute. Then my parents took me to see Who Framed Roger Rabbit. From then on, I associated the name Jessica with gorgeousness. So far, I have yet to be disappointed because since then, the only other Jessica I have come across with was of the Simpson family.

April O'Neil, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Somebody must have been high on coke and meth to have come up with this cartoon. Luckily for us, the designated driver was sane enough to blackmail those crackheads with pictures of them in a male 4-way to create this sassy reporter. Tight-fitting banana yellow jumpsuit with the first 18 buttons undone. I'd like to see Katie Couric don this on 60 minutes. Wait, did I say Katie Couric? Sorry, I meant Barbara Walters. On The View.

Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon
Do not believe the man who tells you they think guys who watch Sailor Moon are gay. Look, we are not proud of it and we don't like admitting it, but we are anything but gay. Did you notice that Sailor Moon is practically butt naked during her transformation sequence? Straight guys know what I'm talking about.

Betty and Veronica
When I first discovered Betty and Veronica, for me it was like pornography! They always had on bikinis, low-cut bare-back prom dresses and the skankiest clothing. I remember one issue where Betty had on clear heals and fishnets while Veronica gave Archie a... Oh wait, no. That was... that was something else. Where's my totem?

Wonder Woman/Lynda Carter
Ah there it is! I just felt my totem! I mean FOUND! Found my totem... The thing that tells you you're not dreaming in Inception. Anyways, Wonder Woman is hot. Lynda Carter is a legend. And I would love to be bounded by her lasso.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Drabbles

There is a Drabbles contest on Bookrix that l intend to join. To quote the site, "Drabbles are extremely short stories of exactly 100 words. The challenge is fitting in all the components of a story within a mere 100 words..."

Here's one I adapted from my Supermarket Bouncer piece, and it's exactly 100 words!

**********
Seriously, how long does it take to pick up a carton of milk? It feels like days since she abandoned me at the checkout line. Here I am being an irresponsible supermarket bouncer, letting shopper after shopper go ahead of me unchecked. To pass the time, I examine the products around me and discover more flavors of condoms than gum. Suddenly, I recognize a waving hand just as the lady in front finishes. Clearing a path through unattractive shoppers for my wife, I questioned her about the unprecedented rambutans and missing milk.

"“Sorry honey, I got distracted. Be right back!"


Monday, August 16, 2010

What are Pen Beats?


Pen Beats are apparently extremely popular with kids at school in North America. I think this is way better than kids indulging in video games, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh! or whatever crap hobbies that require parents to spend a whole of lot of cash in. Even sports are getting out of hand with all the expensive sneakers, jerseys and what-not.

In pen beats, all you need are a couple of Bics or Muji pencils and you're off!

The biggest investment would probably be the table which will undoubtedly get destroyed by banging lead and ballpoint tips.

Alas, it will only be a matter of time before pen beats are banned in schools because we can't have students having fun in educational establishments now can we?

Lucky me, I'm out of school and I'll start practicing this first thing at the office tomorrow.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

No, No Way and No Freakin' Way

Fashion magazines love to give women tips on how to dress with a big photo and cheeky one-liners. I FEED on those articles. Here's a recent one I read on jeans. Now, there are some valid pointers in there but I am more intrigued by the writing style of those short pun-y judgments. Here's my attempt at it for guys:

No:
Mimes are notoriously underpaid and poor. Lose the act and get a job to get the girl.

No Way:
Mark Zuckerbug may make Fortune 500, but never GQ's sexiest. Lose the geeky fake prints and come fix my computer.

No Way:
He looks sad despite having chocolate melting over his nipples and armpits. Get with the program boyfriend!

No Freakin' Way:
I'd cover my thighs if they varied so drastically in shade. Dig the eye-patch and the sword, but what's with the extra long tidy whitey draw-strings?

No Way:
Hide those fatless unhuggable abs. Women love tenderness. Like what you've done with the make-up though. Is that black drool?

No Way:
The grey underwear goes great with the bronzed muscle suit, but someones bound to notice the zipper on the back. Taking a risque?

No Way:
Unless you're 6-11, 265lbs and play professional basketball, it's illegal to wear Ed Hardy in 48 states. Not to mention wearing a cap backwards past the age of 6 is punishable by death.

No Freakin' Way:
OMG it's Dwight "Chocolate Shoulders" Howard. No freakin' way!

Hmm... all that came frighteningly easy and natural.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

(red) Carpet

"DESIGNED TO FIGHT AIDS IN AFRICA"

Leave it to Nike to come up with some of the most ingenious marketing ploys of my generation: Shoe laces that can fight AIDS in Africa. What's next? Insoles to save the Pandas. Air MAX says no to TAX. Dri-fit shirts for tsunami relief. Basketballs against breast implants. Air Force 1's to bring home American soldiers. Retro sneakers to fight for elderly rights. Shoe boxes to save the rain forest.

Jokes aside, it's great to see a giant corporation like Nike give their efforts to support meaningful charitable causes.

Nike will donate 100% of the profits from the sales of these red laces to the Global Fund.

Get yours today and fancy up that beat-up pair of loafers.

Pictured above is Lebron James' 7th signature sneaker. This color-way is dubbed the red carpets which he wore in his last game in New York as a Cavalier on November 6th, 2009.

Friday, August 13, 2010

What is a Prehistoric Robot?

I need to write a detailed character brief of a prehistoric robot called Bamff.

One that roamed with the dinosaurs in the Jurassic period? Or one that lived amongst us in the near future, while the story is set in such a distant one that historical records of Bamff's existence were wiped out during an Apocalyptic reboot? Both can explain the "prehistoric" label.

Being a robot, Bamff should have some form of trace memory in his circuits. Perhaps phantom images will flash across Bamff's optic sensors that hint towards a lost history of the universe; Pieces of information that may reveal how Russia became the bleak backdrop to the story; Random gigabytes of data that bestow Bamff with an unprecedented French-Canadian accent, suggesting roots that lead to a small town in Alberta, Canada called Banff, the modern day robotics capital of the world.

On the other hand, Bamff's circuits could have been utterly fried during the reboot and the Russian boy who finds it rebuilds him from scratch. Bamff then learns the cultures of a bleak human race through interactions with the Russian boy and other modern day robots who are far superior in technology and intelligence, except when it comes to free-style rapping which is the one ability that Bamff excels in. It talks in rhyme and Bamff is suspected to be of African make and model, pitting the Russian boy and him against discriminatory peril to triumph over robotic racism.

To be continued...

Kung-Fu Panda Make Us Strong

I love Pandas. They're so cute and cuddly, but absolutely defenseless. Kinda like me! I mean, how can they possibly fend for themselves in the wilderness? They're slow, large, picky eaters and monochromatic. Not much of a camouflage unless they lived in silent movies. At least zebras can run!

That's why the movie Kung-Fu Panda was so empowering! Don't judge solely by appearance because Po the Panda can kick some serious panther ass.

Even little kids gravitate towards the movie. One time, my cousin took his 4-year old son to a Chinese temple, which immediately reminded the boy of Kung-Fu Panda. He was mesmerized by the setting and mimicked the grown-ups praying. Standing at attention, fist in hand and bowing repeatedly, he chanted, "Kung-Fu Panda make us strong."

Indeed, he does, for the secret ingredient is...

Nothing!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

How I Bombed

I went on open-mic again last night to test out some rewritten jokes and new ones that I didn't get to do last time.

It was NOT pretty.

I really appreciated the audience for being so civil though. They weren't booing me off the stage, but they weren't exactly laughing either. In fact, I think I noticed a couple of poorly stifled yawns. I remember one gentleman in the second row just smiling at me the whole 5 minutes like he was in a trance of vicarious embarrassment. Thank you sir for your unspoken moral support.

When I finished, I stepped off the stage to polite applause, emotionless. I was still reeling a little from the audience's response, or lack thereof, when the owner waved me off to the side and gave me a short critique.

It was NOT pretty.

He told me my story was too long, nobody could relate to what I was talking about, there were too many names and no punchlines, the audience lost interest and stopped listening, have I ever taken his class (I have)... It was just plain, awful!

I felt terrible for the next ten minutes or so, zoning out of whatever the next comedian had to say and was quite distraught. When I did regain focus, one of the comedians was poking fun at my act, which strangely, I did not mind because he was spot-on.

I. Was. Boring! I was giving a history lecture. An uninteresting one at that. I was not doing comedy, but indulging myself in the sound of my own voice droning away.

The best thing that came out of the whole experience was however, I wouldn't have realized how badly I bombed until the club owner gave me straight up, no sugar-coating, direct and constructive criticism.

So thank you, and I will try my hardest to never let the following happen again.

video

(Note to self as I watch this brutal video: DON'T DO VOICES!)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How to Club?

Dance clubs are a very strange place. A lot of the social norms and physical properties of daily life are abandoned once we pay the cover charge and walk through the doors of the establishment. It feels like we're stepping into a a different dimension.

Your senses for example, are drastically altered. One: you cannot hear shit in a club. The music is deafening and any attempt at conversation will result in a sore throat.

Two: your perception of attractiveness takes a nosedive in proportion to the number of overpriced drinks you have procured and consumed. I avoid this undesired phenomenon, by procuring none and consuming one and only one "complimentary" drink that came with admission. Clearly, that one drink is not complimentary but the most overpriced and restrictive in choice.

Three: you become exponentially more self-conscious because you are thrust into a place where the only options of interaction are not activities you would partake in normally during an average day: a) Drink b) Pick-up girls or c) Dance.

As I have previously explained, option a) is costly and debilitates your perception. However, it does release inhibition in the pursuit of b) because your standards are lowered and you have something to quench your thirst from all the shouting into your target's ear.

c) Dance is my personal choice of interaction at a club, simply because I enjoy it. To just let your inhibitions go and bounce to the music is a feeling like no other. Besides, it might even lead to b) if you know what you're doing. Unfortunately, I don't, so sometimes I just dance to whatever the lyrics are saying. I'll throw my hands in the air, lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back, smack that (could this lead to b??), point to my watch and put up 4 fingers cos' that's all the minutes I've got.

Others, bound by the shackles of societal expectation, refuse to partake in c) unless they have done a considerable amount of a), for they worry about what other people might think when they see their crappy dance moves.

Here's a tip: screw 'em!

As long as you're enjoying yourself, fudge what other people think. You paid as much cover charge as the next guy, so have fun! Go wild! And if other people are having fun laughing at you, let them! They paid cover charge as well so it's their prerogative. Just remember, we're all there to have a good time. Be it drinking and picking up ugly chicks, drinking and dancing to the Great Singapore Workout, just plain drinking and plain dancing to the Great Singapore Workout, whatever!

Just enjoy yourself!

(P.S. Above was the nurse-themed party I went to in Singapore. How the hell did we get suckered into becoming 4 of the 116 who forked out money to see these girls?? I don't even want to look at them now!)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Happy 45th Birthday, Singapore!

Singapore was an absolute blast! It's a great feeling to experience such loyal and unchanging friendship in a rapidly evolving country. I have seen so many changes to the landscape of Singapore this past weekend that I feel truly blessed to be able to talk to my school friends as if I never left over a decade ago.

We derive so much joy merely from each other's company that we can just riff about crap on Youtube till 3 in the morning, sleep 6 hours to play basketball for 3, taunt online challengers while getting our asses kicked at Street Fighter (PS3 nitcloud sucks Feilong's super combo balls!), make fun of Tyler the Great Warrior all day (we're all going to hell for that, by the way) and still have an iota of energy to go clubbing at some rip-off "Nurses night" party. The ratio of nurses to guys was like 1:200, and the ratio of people dancing to those who weren't was like 1:50.

Stay tuned for more on Tyler and Singapore Clubbing in upcoming posts.

For now, I shall indulge in the sweet memories of a weekend with 3 of my best dearest most loyal and trustworthy friends forever.

(P.S. Thanks for introducing me to Singapore's epic fail in 2009. I present to you Ris Low, Miss Singapore 2009:


A short weekend in Singapore has bestowed on me an absolute FOUNTAIN of material.)

HAPPY 45th BIRTHDAY, Singapore!
I will always love you.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

How to Quit While You're Ahead?

So at the age of 38, Shaq just got signed by the Boston Celtics for 2 years. I loved Shaq when he first entered the league as a young center for the Orlando Magic. He was a dominant force for the Magic and the Lakers, and even managed to garner a fourth ring with Miami. But to watch him labor on after the Heat, making temporary and ineffective runs with the Suns and Cavs, it pains me.

Professional sports is a cruel, cruel business. It is not an arena that allows an athlete to quit while they're ahead and make a gracious exit from the sport.

Even the G.O.A.T. Michael Jordan seemingly having beaten the odds by quiting the league a second time on a Finals game-winning shot for his 6th championship ring, succumbed to the lure of reliving those moments by becoming a Washington Wizard. Although Jordan fans are eager to forgive and forget those 2 miserable Wizard seasons, not everyone is MJ.

This phenomenon is seen everywhere. TV Shows drag on way past their prime. Who remembers Michael Scoffield after he broke out of prison the first time? When did the hero gene spread like cholera and gave everyone in Heroes powers? Did anybody even get Lost? Who still believed that Jack Bauer could ever be in mortal danger after season 4? There seems to be an awful lot of American Idols and Top Models are there out there doesn't it?

Ending something when things are going well is tough. There are almost always other factors that bring something good to an end prematurely. Most common of which is death, and most unlikely of which is discipline.

Premature death: Kurt Cobain. John Lennon. Martin Luther King. Jimi Hendrix. Heath Ledger. Basquiat. James Dean.

Discipline: Jerry Seinfeld.

A comedian??

It's interesting what we can learn from this. One of the key things that was taught at a stand-up comedy class is to quit while you're ahead. You might have prepared 4 or 5 sets but if you get a really good laugh on your 3rd, end on that. Bask in the laughter of your audience, savor the moment and go, "My name is Stephen and that's my time. Thank you and good night!" Don't overstay your welcome on the stage and risk ending on a low note; always end on a positive.

So Shaq, all the best to you as you approach the twilight of your career. I sincerely wish that you will ride into the sunset with all the grace and nobility your 325lb body can muster, and not .500 career free-throw your way out.

Good luck Kazaam!

Say Scandalicious

A friend of mine from college is starting to help out on the family business which produces confectionery and sweet treats. We got to talking and in our brief brainstorm, we came up with Scandy: Candy for the Scandalous. So naughty it's scandalicious.

The concept was to market beautifully crafted confectionery which resemble objects that exude sexuality. The launch Scandy will be edible panties and underwear, aptly dubbed Scanties: Lick to Remove. They can then come up with different flavors and designs, like lacy black for licorice, sporty red for cherry and push-up white for a milky flavor.

This is a wonderfully marketable package because sex sells! And the word Scandelicious just rolls off the tongue like you're giving fellatio.

Plus, Scandy will make the perfect gift for your woman. It sure beats trying to pick something out at Victoria Secrets.

I remember the first time I had the preposterous notion of getting my girlfriend underwear as a present. I walked past the Victoria Secret's store umpteen times, bearing the weight of the Angel's feather-covered breasts hanging from a 30-feet billboard with each pass. Only on the eighteenth pass did I gather enough courage to push through those heavy golden doors with the ornate handles.

A gust of orgasmic femininity exhumed from the store which almost made me come. I was greeted by shelves and shelves of bras, negligees and panties of all different shapes, sizes and color. Life-sized posters of the Angels lined the walls. I can hear cupids flapping their wings and strumming harps. Everything was a combination of gold or pink and feathery or lush. The cupids were gold and feathery and the carpets were pink and lush. It was a three-way between heaven, Hugh Hefner's crib and a strip club.

There were barely any people in the store, and all those who were gave me an icy stare as if I was holding a sign with an arrow pointing down at me that read "repeated sex offender".

I was petrified!

These people must think I'm an absolute pervert! I noticed one of the saleswomen making a move. I wasn't sure if she was approaching to serve me or going to call the police. I didn't want to find out, so I got out of there pronto.

Gee, when's Scandy coming out?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

How to Talk Singlish?

Damn shiok sia! Tomorrow morning go Singapore. The flight is at 8 something. So early, rooster also haven't come out yet.

But so exciting! I get to see my secondary school friends again. Last time I saw them was last year in April liaoz. Over a year ago... Although just going for the weekend and come back on Sunday, still will be very fun la. For sure will talk cock till very late, play basketball in the heat, go clubbing in Clarke Quay and just have fun together.

Can hardly wait sia... I bought the jersey in the photo for my friends. One for each of us! They are characters from Slam Dunk. We basically grew up on that anime and played basket because of it. We go way back, when we were young, playing basket at the community center outside our school. That time so xianz, cannot play in school uniform. So stupid one the discipline master. Mr. Ho then "Horse Penis", always give us trouble.

Haha! Good times, good times.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's where I learned English

For a more authentic reference, check this out: