Thursday, August 19, 2010
Hardons for Cartoons
I realized very early on in life that I will become a sucker for the ladies. Growing up, I loved cartoons. Particularly ones that gave me hard-ons that hurt from pre-circumcision. Guys, don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about here. See if remember these childhood hotties:
Janine Melnitz, Ghostbusters
Receptionist of the Ghostbusters and love interest for Egon planted the early seeds of deception that even geeks can get the girl. The tight office wear and horny glasses (pun very much intended) were a real turn-on even at age 5.
Arcee from Transformers:
Arguably the hardest nipples you would ever find since Arcee is made of metal. Notice the pink near beneath the Autobot sign? It is purposely curved upwards to suggest the presence of robotic bosoms.
She-Ra, She-Ra: Princess of Power
The first blonde on the list, but more importantly, the first to show cleavage. See that line that runs for about 4mm from her chest-plate? Boom, boobage! Look at how she's stroking that sword. Reeeaaooorrrr...
Ok, Barbie is technically not a cartoon, but if your 5 year old boy ever came across one of these dolls and did not peel those bathing suits down to discover (to his horror) a pair of nipple-less plastic boobs, you be worried! Also, if your boy drew down enough of the bathing suit to inspect Barbie's smooth crotch, you need to sit him down and tell him the truth!
Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
I remember a classmate from kindergarten whose name was Jessica. She was mixed race and I thought she was really cute. Then my parents took me to see Who Framed Roger Rabbit. From then on, I associated the name Jessica with gorgeousness. So far, I have yet to be disappointed because since then, the only other Jessica I have come across with was of the Simpson family.
April O'Neil, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Somebody must have been high on coke and meth to have come up with this cartoon. Luckily for us, the designated driver was sane enough to blackmail those crackheads with pictures of them in a male 4-way to create this sassy reporter. Tight-fitting banana yellow jumpsuit with the first 18 buttons undone. I'd like to see Katie Couric don this on 60 minutes. Wait, did I say Katie Couric? Sorry, I meant Barbara Walters. On The View.
Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon
Do not believe the man who tells you they think guys who watch Sailor Moon are gay. Look, we are not proud of it and we don't like admitting it, but we are anything but gay. Did you notice that Sailor Moon is practically butt naked during her transformation sequence? Straight guys know what I'm talking about.
Betty and Veronica
When I first discovered Betty and Veronica, for me it was like pornography! They always had on bikinis, low-cut bare-back prom dresses and the skankiest clothing. I remember one issue where Betty had on clear heals and fishnets while Veronica gave Archie a... Oh wait, no. That was... that was something else. Where's my totem?
Wonder Woman/Lynda Carter
Ah there it is! I just felt my totem! I mean FOUND! Found my totem... The thing that tells you you're not dreaming in Inception. Anyways, Wonder Woman is hot. Lynda Carter is a legend. And I would love to be bounded by her lasso.