Iceberg Shatterers

I was at Happy Hour with some old friends and having a blast until some friends of my old friends showed up, meaning I have to meet these new people and put on a charade of making new friends that I don't really need or want.

For one thing, why do we always have to talk about what we do for a living with people we hardly know?

I'm at Happy Hour to get away from work, not talk about it! Besides, there is nothing interesting about being in IT, working with computers, slaving away at ad agencies or the worse of all, being a God damned banker.

Unless your friend is a professional pole dancer, drug dealer or wrestler, I am not interested about his or profession.

But it's hard to meet these people.

So I have devised 10 questions you can try asking when you are at a social gathering that requires you mingle with new acquaintances. These are not mere icebreakers, but iceberg-shatterers:

Q1. Are you a member of any cults or extremist religious sects?

Q2. Do you do Yoga? Can you teach me the downward dog?

Q3. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Do you think it'll work for condoms?

Q4. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

Q5. What's your favorite color, and do you have underwear in that hue?

Q6. What's your take on Inception? Are we all just dreaming?

Q7. Have you ever been in a threesome? Are you open to trying?

Q8. If you had to win at a competition of your choice, what would it be?

Q9. Which is worse? Giving a eulogy or being in the coffin?

Q10. If you had to sleep with somebody in this room, who would it be and why?

Aren't these way more interesting than "what do you do for a living"? Try it sometime and post your results!

Leeb Our E-Noo Ar-Long!

I'm not a huge fan of pets, but I like animals. Mostly... Some of my favorites include the pig, panda, giraffe, turtle (especially the little ones you can get for cheap), cheetah, dolphin, penguin and killer whale. Among others...

So anyways, I was at the supermarket with a friend and I saw a plethora of flavors of food and snacks for dogs. There was pepperoni, chicken liver, pork chops, original... Incidentally, what does original flavored dog food taste like? Unsalted carcass?

The most blasphemous of all is they came out with a new flavor:

Green tea flavor for dogs.

Really? Help me out here dog-owners. Are your dogs on a strict diet of sushi? Do they have chopsticks in their paws slurping up udon, ramen or sukiyaki? Picking at spider and california rolls? Is this why dogs are leaving behind green logs of wasabi on the streets?

Come on people! We've already got green tea in our chewing gum, toothpaste, ice cream, shampoo and Starbucks. How much further are we going to allow this Japanese tomfoolery to infiltrate our lives? Now they're getting at your pets too?

I mean I got'em. Don't know how my friend's dogs liked them.

But I digress. Soon, we'll have 0.03mm condoms in green tea flavor and the Japanese will have completed their domination of our sex lives. Granted, they already have a good head-start with their quality pornography; both real and animated.

So I say we unite against the proliferation of green tea and send them a message loud and strong:

LEEB OUR E-NOO AR-LONG!*

*Leave our "dogs" alone!

Yet More Drabbles!

Drabbles are stories with exactly 100 words. The challenge is to fit all the necessary parts of a story into such a limited number of words! Check this one out:

***

Arthur Bench was a hardworking carpenter. From dusk till dawn, he saw to put supper on the table. Every Sunday he would come to pray at that very spot. As a bored lad he sat there, carving pictures into the wood. As a nervous groom he stood there, waiting for his bride. As a proud father he wept there, witnessing his child's baptism. Thus, it is almost of divine satire that a cupboard would fall through the roof of this church and land on that very spot. To commemorate his unfortunate demise, the replacement pew will be named "A Bench".

***

What is Euro Tart?

Euro tart [yoo r-oh tahrt]

-noun

1. a topless pie containing fruit from Europe

2. a covered pie containing fruit from Europe

3. Slang . a prostitute or promiscuous woman from Europe

4. Slang . a sexually ambiguous man from Europe

5. Slang . a plain frozen yogurt

After the infiltration and success of bubble-tea, Gong-cha and other non-alcoholic liquid concoctions from Taiwan, fries from New York and Ireland, gelato from Italy, doughnuts and cupcakes from America (both of which have already or are bound to fail), Euro Tart is like the next big thing right now in Hong Kong.

As if we don't have enough prostitutes and gays already!

Seriously though, I believe we do need more food in the famished streets of Mong Kok and Causeway Bay. People are absolutely starving from the siu mais, curry fishballs, beef innards, sausages, fried chicken thighs and stinky tofu. Not to mention the limited selection of desserts like peanut butter waffles, mango sagos, shaved ice (also from Taiwan) and germ-infested ice cream cones are really starting to annoy the people of Hong Kong.

And it's not the watery, non-fat, has-it-gone-bad-tasting yogurt we're used to either! Trust me, Euro Tart is here to stay. I've tried it, and it's freaking amazing!

The filth that came out of that woman's mouth and ditto the man put in his...

Yum!

Picture taken by the one who introduced me to it, PimpMamaT.

How I Bombed

I went on open-mic again last night to test out some rewritten jokes and new ones that I didn't get to do last time.

It was NOT pretty.

I really appreciated the audience for being so civil though. They weren't booing me off the stage, but they weren't exactly laughing either. In fact, I think I noticed a couple of poorly stifled yawns. I remember one gentleman in the second row just smiling at me the whole 5 minutes like he was in a trance of vicarious embarrassment. Thank you sir for your unspoken moral support.

When I finished, I stepped off the stage to polite applause, emotionless. I was still reeling a little from the audience's response, or lack thereof, when the owner waved me off to the side and gave me a short critique.

It was NOT pretty.

He told me my story was too long, nobody could relate to what I was talking about, there were too many names and no punchlines, the audience lost interest and stopped listening, have I ever taken his class (I have)... It was just plain, awful!

I felt terrible for the next ten minutes or so, zoning out of whatever the next comedian had to say and was quite distraught. When I did regain focus, one of the comedians was poking fun at my act, which strangely, I did not mind because he was spot-on.

I. Was. Boring! I was giving a history lecture. An uninteresting one at that. I was not doing comedy, but indulging myself in the sound of my own voice droning away.

The best thing that came out of the whole experience was however, I wouldn't have realized how badly I bombed until the club owner gave me straight up, no sugar-coating, direct and constructive criticism.

So thank you, and I will try my hardest to never let the following happen again.

(Note to self as I watch this brutal video: DON'T DO VOICES!)

How to Quit While You're Ahead?

So at the age of 38, Shaq just got signed by the Boston Celtics for 2 years. I loved Shaq when he first entered the league as a young center for the Orlando Magic. He was a dominant force for the Magic and the Lakers, and even managed to garner a fourth ring with Miami. But to watch him labor on after the Heat, making temporary and ineffective runs with the Suns and Cavs, it pains me.

Professional sports is a cruel, cruel business. It is not an arena that allows an athlete to quit while they're ahead and make a gracious exit from the sport.

Even the G.O.A.T. Michael Jordan seemingly having beaten the odds by quiting the league a second time on a Finals game-winning shot for his 6th championship ring, succumbed to the lure of reliving those moments by becoming a Washington Wizard. Although Jordan fans are eager to forgive and forget those 2 miserable Wizard seasons, not everyone is MJ.

This phenomenon is seen everywhere. TV Shows drag on way past their prime. Who remembers Michael Scoffield after he broke out of prison the first time? When did the hero gene spread like cholera and gave everyone in Heroes powers? Did anybody even get Lost? Who still believed that Jack Bauer could ever be in mortal danger after season 4? There seems to be an awful lot of American Idols and Top Models are there out there doesn't it?

Ending something when things are going well is tough. There are almost always other factors that bring something good to an end prematurely. Most common of which is death, and most unlikely of which is discipline.

Premature death: Kurt Cobain. John Lennon. Martin Luther King. Jimi Hendrix. Heath Ledger. Basquiat. James Dean.

Discipline: Jerry Seinfeld.

A comedian??

It's interesting what we can learn from this. One of the key things that was taught at a stand-up comedy class is to quit while you're ahead. You might have prepared 4 or 5 sets but if you get a really good laugh on your 3rd, end on that. Bask in the laughter of your audience, savor the moment and go, "My name is Stephen and that's my time. Thank you and good night!" Don't overstay your welcome on the stage and risk ending on a low note; always end on a positive.

So Shaq, all the best to you as you approach the twilight of your career. I sincerely wish that you will ride into the sunset with all the grace and nobility your 325lb body can muster, and not .500 career free-throw your way out.

Good luck Kazaam!

Say Scandalicious

A friend of mine from college is starting to help out on the family business which produces confectionery and sweet treats. We got to talking and in our brief brainstorm, we came up with Scandy: Candy for the Scandalous. So naughty it's scandalicious.

The concept was to market beautifully crafted confectionery which resemble objects that exude sexuality. The launch Scandy will be edible panties and underwear, aptly dubbed Scanties: Lick to Remove. They can then come up with different flavors and designs, like lacy black for licorice, sporty red for cherry and push-up white for a milky flavor.

This is a wonderfully marketable package because sex sells! And the word Scandelicious just rolls off the tongue like you're giving fellatio.

Plus, Scandy will make the perfect gift for your woman. It sure beats trying to pick something out at Victoria Secrets.

I remember the first time I had the preposterous notion of getting my girlfriend underwear as a present. I walked past the Victoria Secret's store umpteen times, bearing the weight of the Angel's feather-covered breasts hanging from a 30-feet billboard with each pass. Only on the eighteenth pass did I gather enough courage to push through those heavy golden doors with the ornate handles.

A gust of orgasmic femininity exhumed from the store which almost made me come. I was greeted by shelves and shelves of bras, negligees and panties of all different shapes, sizes and color. Life-sized posters of the Angels lined the walls. I can hear cupids flapping their wings and strumming harps. Everything was a combination of gold or pink and feathery or lush. The cupids were gold and feathery and the carpets were pink and lush. It was a three-way between heaven, Hugh Hefner's crib and a strip club.

There were barely any people in the store, and all those who were gave me an icy stare as if I was holding a sign with an arrow pointing down at me that read "repeated sex offender".

I was petrified!

These people must think I'm an absolute pervert! I noticed one of the saleswomen making a move. I wasn't sure if she was approaching to serve me or going to call the police. I didn't want to find out, so I got out of there pronto.

Gee, when's Scandy coming out?

Things I Don't Know About and May Never Find Out Episode 1: McDonald's French Fries

Why is it so tasty? What is the secret ingredient? Is there a secret ingredient, or is it just potato? Do they fry it in pig oil? Will I ever be able to make it at home? Why does it taste like crap once it gets cold? If I ask for unsalted fries, do they spit in it? Does McDonald's have their own farm? How many potatoes do they buy and make into fries every year? How much does fries really cost McDonald's? How much fries can you eat at one sitting before you flat-line? Why is it yellow and not golden like they claim it to be? Will McDonald's ever come up with an "all-you-can-eat" serving of fries? How will they price it? Will McDonald's ever go with organic potatoes to make their fries? Will it still taste the same? Do large fries really have more fries than medium fries? Or is it just an optical illusion achieved by the height of the iconic red cardboard sleeve they come in? How come McDonald's never run out of fries? If potatoes were to go the way of the Dodo bird, can McDonald's still survive? What will they come up with as an alternative? Fried yam sticks? If Burger King, Jack in the Box, Carl's Jr, Inn 'n Out et al controlled all the potato in the world, can they threaten McDonald's? Why does McDonald's still have to do marketing? Does McDonald's pay for the Happy Meal toy licenses, or do the license holders give it to them for free as a promotional vehicle? Will there ever be an iPhone app that tells me which McDonald's closest to my current location has just fried up a fresh batch of fries? Where are fries made? Which is more secret: KFC's original recipe or McDonald's French fries? If Danny Ocean had to form a new team to steal McDonald's French fries recipe, how many and who'd he recruit and why? Will they fail because McDonald's French fries is in fact more secretive than KFC's original recipe? Will Ethan Hunt have a better chance? Jason Borne? Dora the Explorer? What if the secret recipe required a ritual which sacrificed virgins? Will McDonald's still be allowed to make 'em? Will you still eat it if they were? What if it was a scam? Who do you think would be smart enough to stage such a sabotage? Jack? Burger King? The Colonel? Carl? Gordon Ramsey?

How to Test Out Bad Jokes?

Wow, I did it! Another step towards my dream! It feels great. I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's like when you get to a certain age in life, the feeling of achievement and excitement just doesn't come along as often as before.

When I was younger, each game we played on the basketball court meant so much more. Each competition I entered in made my nerves tingle and my blood rush. Every time I had to do a presentation for class, you feel the thrill of the performance. You bask in the limelight for that 10-15 minutes, all eyes are on you, and you are the star of your show!

I am slowly regaining that feeling of and desire for showmanship.

Today, I subjected myself to 5 minutes of open mic at TakeOut Comedy, the first full-time comedy club in Asia.

I had a blast, and can't wait to go again. The hours leading up to the performance was the most nerve-wrecking, but then I was put to ease as soon as I got there because everybody was just there to have some fun and try out new jokes! There's a good reason for open mic because we are capable of writing some pretty bad jokes. It's great to have an outlet to try them on people other than yourself. It's humbling really... It's a lot easier to amuse yourself than it is to make strangers laugh.

So check it out! Open Mic's every Tuesday at 8pm, sign-ups at 7:55pm. I'll post the clip later this week... Right now I've got to sleep and think of more filthy stuff to say on stage.

Deify the False

Just watched "The Invention of Lying", a movie starring Ricky Gervais, one of my favorite comedians and writers of all time. Very talented and genuinely narcissistic.

The movie imagines a world where lying was never invented, and many comical scenarios play out in the most outrageous ways, finally leading up to the creation of a pseudo religion. Gervais is an outspoken atheist and this is clearly an indulgent plot development.

I remember the worst beatings I got from mom was for lying. Alas, physical punishment must not have worked on me, for I too am a violator of honesty. Lying has become so grossly pervasive in our lives, that we ENJOY raveling in deceit.

I'll be the first to admit, that I absolutely adore women's cleavage. I just love it! The line of sight down the middle of two spherical mass of flesh and the suggestion of what treasures lie waiting beneath is such a turn on. C-cup? D? E?? Or the Holy Grail of Grails, Double-D's??? Alas, even A's and B's can turn into fountains of fantasy with implants and push-up bras. The treachery!

Still, I don't enjoy it any less!

Until the truth comes out, of course... Then you're just plain disappointed.

But MEN, men are even worse in the department of infernal affairs. Fat men wear black to disguise their obesity ("Guilty as charged!")... Altitude-challenged men become beefcakes to hide their height (or lack there of)... Older men wear the most colorful drab they can get their withered fingers on at Bathing Ape to look younger (or queerer)... Queer men... Actually queer men are quite honest, to be honest. They dress, talk, walk and act the part. And can you imagine the courage of coming out that straight closet? Ballsy!

And the things we say to each other, what farce!

"Aww... today's your last day? Let's keep in touch!"

"Looks aren't as important to me as chemistry."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Umm... no it's not. Megan Fox is universally hot, and Ugly Betty is Ugly freaking Betty. One exception: White men's taste in Asian women. I know they can cook and speak English and everything, but Filipinos? And Lucy Liu? Shit, I'd make fun of her eyes!

"I'm gonna fuck your brains out!"

What? Are you sure you want to do that? Because I sure as hell don't recommend it! Imagine the clean-up afterwards! You've go to change the sheets, pillow casing, repaint the walls the victim is a squirter. It's just going to be an absolute mess.

Horatio and co. will have a field day at that crime scene...