Showing posts with label fighting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fighting. Show all posts

Friday, September 10, 2010

Are All Beefcakes Thick?

A simple answer, is no, but the beefcake in this entry is thicker than the Yellow pages. I never thought I would be saying this, but welcome back our old friend Butch!

My loyal readers would recall that the last appearance of Butch amidst these humble pages almost resulted in your beloved authors unsightly demise if it weren't for my superfriends. This time however, yours truly was no where near the heat of the action. And neither was Butch...

But his lack of involvement deteriorated rapidly.

The point-guard on Butch's team, a tiny rat-faced fellow I wish to refer haphazardly as Boykins, was running around the court, elbowing and shoving his way to nowhere against our big center, whom I shall call Bogut, cos' nobody on my team knew him so we probably won't be high-fiving him if he ever got to the free throw line.

Finally, on one play near half-court, rodent-faced Boykins was nudged by what seemed like an inadvertent forearm by Bogut and tiny Tim flailed his arms in sync with an unnecessarily loud grunt.

This guttural sound resonated with Butch's simple synapse mapping, which most resembled cave dwellers. His prehistoric sense of protecting his tribe spurred his muscle bound body to action, huffing and puffing his way to the center of the foray.

"I didn't push him on purpose."

"Of course you didn't push him on purpose!"

"If I did he won't be standing."

"You want to step outside?"

"He's been elbowing me the whole game!"

"Me big! Boykins small! Bogut big! Me protect small Boykins from big Bogut!"

"Grunt!"

That's what I heard in snippets while I distanced myself from the whole shenanigans. Incidentally, I bumped into Boykins on the way when leaving the scene. I was also smiling and giggling gaily away as I witnessed a mind-bogglingly dumb situation unfold. Interestingly, Butch wasn't the only one riled up. Another muscled knucklehead, whom I will call Marion for his over-athletic prowess, was also getting mad! I have no clue what his deal was. Perhaps the guttural grunt of masculinity unites beefcakes., but I doubt this, for our resident muscle representative, D.Howard, remained unaffected and even appeared bored by what transpired.

So clearly, not all beefcakes are thick. However, even the thickest of beefcakes still manage to show encouraging signs of a limited capacity to learn because at least this time, Butch kept his shirt on.


Well done! You CAN still fight and throw chairs with your shirt on. Here's a banana.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Right and Wrong Way to Get Out of a Fight

Woohoo! I almost got into a fight today! With a muscular bloke no less. Here's a totally unbiased first-person account of what transpired at around 9:48pm on Tuesday, August 3 2010.

So I was hooping at an indoor basketball court with 4 other friends against some other teams. I must say my performance was respectable: grabbing lose balls, defensive rebounds, deflecting passes, making 2 back-to-back game-winners, the first with a beautiful sandwich screen from my teammates D.Howard and Timmy (of South Park fame, not the Spurs); the second a go-ahead three from the top of the key to rally back from down 8 or so to win it 22-19. Ok, I was, as 2pac would say, balling!

Then in the last game to run out the clock to 10pm, an altercation occurred between myself and a muscular bloke on the opposing team who weighed about 200 pounds and benched at least 40% of his bodyweight. I don't even remember what happened, but just before, we sparred over a charging foul on me. Some words were exchanged, regular banter, nothing serious. Or so I thought...

On the next play down, Butch lost the ball in the post, I ended up with it, turned around, he was there to meet me, I felt a shove, I shoved back and passed the ball to D.Howard. The next thing I know, Butch was all up in my face!

Hordes of people came over to stop him from clobbering me as he yelled, "What? What? What?" I walked away. He pushed on. One guy from the opposing team approached me and repeated, "It's just a game, It's just a game." I continued walking away.

As Butch's nerves subsided, I reached out my hand, smiled and apologized for the physical play and he proceeded... to remove his shirt! For a second there, I thought he was really going to do me in. I didn't look at his exposed upper body but I didn't like my chances either. He had those scary muscles on the neck, which must come in handy when watching television from an awkward angle. Then, he proceeded to walk off the court and left!

So to summarize, Butch was not having the best game, argued an offensive foul call, attempted to fight the chubby fellow wearing #24 with the sweet jumper, changed his mind after some persuading from skinny teammates, took his shirt off, and ejected himself from the game.

I felt terrible and confused... Terrible for how stupid Butch will feel when the whole sequence replays in his mind tonight and confused by his choice of actions.

I mean... why'd he take his shirt off? Did he know he took his shirt off? And why did he walk off the court afterwards? Did he realize he took his shirt off and thought, "Crap! Now that I've taken my shirt off, it'd be too embarrassing to put it back on so I might as well leave and hit the showers. Wait, is that Chubby 24's extended arm of no hard feelings? Bah, screw him! My shirt's off so I better get going."?

So many questions...

Anyways, special thanks to my teammates for making me feel better after ruining what could have been an undefeated run:

B.Roy - Good thing we're on the same team now... I'd hate to have to guard your ass!
Rondo - Nothing fancy, nothing gained!
D.Howard - You did your business on defense and the boards tonight!
Timmy (again, of South Park Fame, not the Spurs) - You played hard bro! Ain't nobody goin' cut you slack for having Grandpa's knees.


Saturday, July 24, 2010

How to Start a Fight?

Recently, I have felt a steady build up of anger and hate within me, just waiting for some sort of release. The most sought after form of release is to get into a good old-fashioned fist fight with ANYBODY:

Ugly People
When I see beautiful women with butt-ugly men, a little voice in my head boom, "Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you with the Maserati convertible, tight white Versace pants, receding hairline and monkey syphilis testicled face! What's your ugly ass doing with a beautiful young thing like her? You a pedophile? Oh you goin' sue my slandering ass? Well I'm goin' BEAT your rich ass down!" Alas, even a booming little voice is not loud enough to escape the inner recesses of my highly developed brain...

Food-wasters
On our way out of the Grand Cinema, my girlfriend spotted some teenagers leaving three buckets of unfinished popcorn at their seats. She had to hold me back from shoving those punk-asses and going, "Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you with the half-skin-head-half-comb-over haircut, you with the Lolita shit on and you with the expensive clothing that you can not possibly afford unless you whored! Those are sixty-dollar popcorns you're leaving behind! Pick up after your damn selves before I shove every single piece of that popped corn up your respective orifices! Except you with the queer haircut... I don't want you enjoying the process." Good thing my girlfriend was there...

Grazers
I was waiting for the train the other day and somebody behind me grazed my backpack repeatedly. The grazing grew so incessant that I had to fight the urge to spin around and go, "Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you in them nerdy glasses and suspenders! Quit shoving into me and back the f*@& off before I punch your face in!" I did turn around though, and saw this chap wearing tight Versace pants, half-skin-head-half-comb-over haircut flicking popcorn at me. Lucky that queer-ass grazer was muscular, or I'da kicked his ass all the way back to California Fitness!


Editor Note #1:
I could tell that grazer was muscular just by his head! Some people have that... You know, that muscular looking head where the neck is wider than where the ears are, and the head is more square than round? One look at the head and you be like, "Lucky mofo! Saved yourself a beatdown!"

Editor Note #2:
I don't know if this happens to you, but when I'm all riled up and thinking of "fight-talk", it always comes out darker... in the racial sense I mean.