Things I Don't Know About and May Never Find Out Episode 1: McDonald's French Fries

Why is it so tasty? What is the secret ingredient? Is there a secret ingredient, or is it just potato? Do they fry it in pig oil? Will I ever be able to make it at home? Why does it taste like crap once it gets cold? If I ask for unsalted fries, do they spit in it? Does McDonald's have their own farm? How many potatoes do they buy and make into fries every year? How much does fries really cost McDonald's? How much fries can you eat at one sitting before you flat-line? Why is it yellow and not golden like they claim it to be? Will McDonald's ever come up with an "all-you-can-eat" serving of fries? How will they price it? Will McDonald's ever go with organic potatoes to make their fries? Will it still taste the same? Do large fries really have more fries than medium fries? Or is it just an optical illusion achieved by the height of the iconic red cardboard sleeve they come in? How come McDonald's never run out of fries? If potatoes were to go the way of the Dodo bird, can McDonald's still survive? What will they come up with as an alternative? Fried yam sticks? If Burger King, Jack in the Box, Carl's Jr, Inn 'n Out et al controlled all the potato in the world, can they threaten McDonald's? Why does McDonald's still have to do marketing? Does McDonald's pay for the Happy Meal toy licenses, or do the license holders give it to them for free as a promotional vehicle? Will there ever be an iPhone app that tells me which McDonald's closest to my current location has just fried up a fresh batch of fries? Where are fries made? Which is more secret: KFC's original recipe or McDonald's French fries? If Danny Ocean had to form a new team to steal McDonald's French fries recipe, how many and who'd he recruit and why? Will they fail because McDonald's French fries is in fact more secretive than KFC's original recipe? Will Ethan Hunt have a better chance? Jason Borne? Dora the Explorer? What if the secret recipe required a ritual which sacrificed virgins? Will McDonald's still be allowed to make 'em? Will you still eat it if they were? What if it was a scam? Who do you think would be smart enough to stage such a sabotage? Jack? Burger King? The Colonel? Carl? Gordon Ramsey?

To Infinity & Beyond in 3D (or not...)

Finally caught Toys Story 3 at IMAX last night. The story was totally great, voice-acting amazingly superb, animation flawless as usual and IMAX 3D glasses absolutely unnecessary.

My girlfriend and I have come to the conclusion that we will not fork out the extra money to watch another IMAX or so-called Real 3D movie ever again, unless Avatar 2 comes along or something near that level of ground-breakability. I mean, the first Toy Story was already 3D, so what's the big difference?

I bet it's just a scam to make honest movie-goers put on those wacky sunglasses in the dark. We get it. Ha. Ha. Very freaking funny Hollywood.

Oh but the story was really well thought out and I am extremely impressed by the people at Pixar to have come up with the perfect plot to bring a heart-warming finale to the franchise. I was surprised when I first learnt of the third installment of Toy Story since I have been all but forgotten about the series. This third movie is by far the best and most touching offering, and it could not have been made possible without the first 2 Toy Stories. Successful sequels are always difficult to make, but it is my humble opinion that Pixar has demonstrated their undeniable ability at rising up to the challenge once again. There was never a dull moment in the film which was well-paced with humor and wit. Moreover, the plethora of toys and sights Pixar put into the film was a real labor of love and an absolute delight for the audience.

If you thought an animated film about toys cannot evoke emotions, watch Toy Story 3.

Perhaps Hollywood do know what they're doing with those wacky glasses; they can hide the tears of parents and grown-men alike.

Still, I'll stick to 35mm from now on. I'm all set with Kleenex from the money I'd save.

How to Write a Good Commercial Jingle (or not...)

This is the worst commercial jingle ever. It roughly translates to:

***

Small Turtle, Eat so slow

Eat one rice need eat three times

Small mousy, So choosy

Just take peanut chocolate

(My kid is so picky, malnourishment?)

Wyeth Golden PE Go

Five Grain Veg Fruit FishMeatEggAndMilk

Seven main food nutrients

And plus seven lacking nutrients

Double seven combo, nutrients encompassed!

***

And yes, "FishMeatEggandMilk" is rapped as one word. Sue me, but I boldly suggest that my translated version far trumps the original in rhythm and rhyme. Not to mention pronunciation of the lyrics... which is not hard to beat, considering that only about 2% of the Chinese words were correctly pronounced in the original. Sure, you can argue that English is much more forgiving in terms of pronunciation, but 2%?? That's the best you can do? Really?

HOWEVER, market studies have shown that this jingle has become increasingly popular amongst kids and OL (office lady), and have slowly but surely climbed the ringtone download charts. It appears that the advertisers have hit their target market spot-on!

This is the best commercial jingle ever.

How to Test Out Bad Jokes?

Wow, I did it! Another step towards my dream! It feels great. I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's like when you get to a certain age in life, the feeling of achievement and excitement just doesn't come along as often as before.

When I was younger, each game we played on the basketball court meant so much more. Each competition I entered in made my nerves tingle and my blood rush. Every time I had to do a presentation for class, you feel the thrill of the performance. You bask in the limelight for that 10-15 minutes, all eyes are on you, and you are the star of your show!

I am slowly regaining that feeling of and desire for showmanship.

Today, I subjected myself to 5 minutes of open mic at TakeOut Comedy, the first full-time comedy club in Asia.

I had a blast, and can't wait to go again. The hours leading up to the performance was the most nerve-wrecking, but then I was put to ease as soon as I got there because everybody was just there to have some fun and try out new jokes! There's a good reason for open mic because we are capable of writing some pretty bad jokes. It's great to have an outlet to try them on people other than yourself. It's humbling really... It's a lot easier to amuse yourself than it is to make strangers laugh.

So check it out! Open Mic's every Tuesday at 8pm, sign-ups at 7:55pm. I'll post the clip later this week... Right now I've got to sleep and think of more filthy stuff to say on stage.

Zebras, Wombats, Quasimodos and Cougars

Today is a big day for me! Technorati has given me a unique code so that I can claim this blog as my own. That's really nice of them =) So without further ado, here it is:

E33Z6W3Q9CDX

Which is clearly short for:

Even 33 Zebras, 6 Wombats, 3 Quasimodos

and 9 Cougars Dig X

Where X marks the post-80s.blogspot!

Another step towards realizing the Way of the Ninja... Baby steps it may be, but steps nonetheless.

Another short post today, but I need time to prepare for my big debut tomorrow... Stay tuned!

How NOT to Lose Weight?

I've been on a Special K diet for the past 2 weeks, where I have the cereal twice a day in place of breakfast and lunch.

This clearly did not work for me, because I cannot sustain this throughout the week! I get such strong cravings over the weekends that I succumb and eat like an absolute PIG for 2 days straight. Just today I had an upsized McDonald's Big'n Tasty Value Meal, 3 pieces of McWings, most of my girlfriend's fries, a can of coke, 2 Kinder Surprise chocolate eggs and 300 grams of Mix'n Match candy. I indulge myself to veer off course so as not to totally lay waste to my precious weekends.

This is what happens when you have a job instead of a career; the weekend takes on a whole different meaning and purpose.

Only 28.6% of my life from here on out will be spent in happiness unless I get myself a career pronto!

I need to find the inner Ninja A-SAP!

How to Start a Fight?

Recently, I have felt a steady build up of anger and hate within me, just waiting for some sort of release. The most sought after form of release is to get into a good old-fashioned fist fight with ANYBODY:

Ugly People

When I see beautiful women with butt-ugly men, a little voice in my head boom, "Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you with the Maserati convertible, tight white Versace pants, receding hairline and monkey syphilis testicled face! What's your ugly ass doing with a beautiful young thing like her? You a pedophile? Oh you goin' sue my slandering ass? Well I'm goin' BEAT your rich ass down!" Alas, even a booming little voice is not loud enough to escape the inner recesses of my highly developed brain...

Food-wasters

On our way out of the Grand Cinema, my girlfriend spotted some teenagers leaving three buckets of unfinished popcorn at their seats. She had to hold me back from shoving those punk-asses and going, "Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you with the half-skin-head-half-comb-over haircut, you with the Lolita shit on and you with the expensive clothing that you can not possibly afford unless you whored! Those are sixty-dollar popcorns you're leaving behind! Pick up after your damn selves before I shove every single piece of that popped corn up your respective orifices! Except you with the queer haircut... I don't want you enjoying the process." Good thing my girlfriend was there...

Grazers

I was waiting for the train the other day and somebody behind me grazed my backpack repeatedly. The grazing grew so incessant that I had to fight the urge to spin around and go, "Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you in them nerdy glasses and suspenders! Quit shoving into me and back the f*@& off before I punch your face in!" I did turn around though, and saw this chap wearing tight Versace pants, half-skin-head-half-comb-over haircut flicking popcorn at me. Lucky that queer-ass grazer was muscular, or I'da kicked his ass all the way back to California Fitness!

Editor Note #1:

I could tell that grazer was muscular just by his head! Some people have that... You know, that muscular looking head where the neck is wider than where the ears are, and the head is more square than round? One look at the head and you be like, "Lucky mofo! Saved yourself a beatdown!"

Editor Note #2:

I don't know if this happens to you, but when I'm all riled up and thinking of "fight-talk", it always comes out darker... in the racial sense I mean.

Big Big Loader vs Big Bad Odor

Just remembered another awesome toy from my childhood, though I believe this has been around in the 70's before I was born:

"In a world...

Fueled by the greed and conquest of man.

Seas and oceans are reclaimed...

Smelly land masses take their place.

Where new and overpriced flats are built in the middle of nowhere by corrupt and devious real estate developers...

Only one man, nay...

One loader has BIG enough cajones to stop this.

For no loader has BIGGER cajones than:

THE BIG BIG LOADER

Catch,

The Big Big Loader vs The Big Bad Odor Series One:

A Big No No to Landfill

Every Wednesday at 4:30pm right after Penguin Race 2015.

ONLY on Cartoon Network."

Penguin Race 2015

I have a sudden and intense longing for a toy that I had while I was young. I don't think it actually belonged to me, but I remember seeing it at my Grandma's house whenever I visited. I'd always plead with her to set it up for me to play... In fact, the term"play" is used liberally here, for you really "stare at" more than "play with" it.

The beauty of it is the perpetual motion the little plastic flightless birds are subjected to and the awkward but frighteningly life-like stutter of them climbing up those battery-operated stairs.

This Penguin Race toy is an absolute classic... They sure don't make them like they used to, what with the constant barrage of new video games, action figures and lousy cartoons. Ironically, the most popular toy that's being played today on this side of the globe are tops! Kids buy, customize and battle their plastic tops with a metal ring around them on bellied trays. The tops bounce off each other when they touch, with each contender trying to push the others off the tray. Kinda like Royal Rumble.

Obviously this was made popular by having its own anime series, featuring spiky-haired kids battling other spiky-haired kids for tops supremacy in large-scale tournaments which, incidentally, will determine the fate of the world, that sort of premise.

I guess a cartoon featuring three off-color penguins racing each other on the same track and lumbering up a flight of stairs every episode doesn't exactly deliver top-notch entertainment.

But what if we gave the penguins spiky hair? Make the plastic penguins customizable with different wheels and ball bearings that make them go faster! Add spikes on their bellies so they can take out slower penguins! Add in some sort of save-the-environment type message and catchy theme song (Remember Captain Planet? "Captain Planet! He's our hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero!")

I think we have a franchise on our hands!

"Penguin Race 2015: The Search for the Inconvenient Truth"

Penguin Race 2015: The Search for the Inconvenient Truth" and all its related characters, intellectual property, theme song, weaponry and speed enhancement accessories are all © Copyrighted and ® All rights reserved.

Just kidding...

Unless you actually cash in on this franchise and go on to make millions off it, then © Copyrighted and ® All rights reserved all the way to the court! If you wish to settle, then make one of the characters called "Slamguin". Thanks!

Deify the False

Just watched "The Invention of Lying", a movie starring Ricky Gervais, one of my favorite comedians and writers of all time. Very talented and genuinely narcissistic.

The movie imagines a world where lying was never invented, and many comical scenarios play out in the most outrageous ways, finally leading up to the creation of a pseudo religion. Gervais is an outspoken atheist and this is clearly an indulgent plot development.

I remember the worst beatings I got from mom was for lying. Alas, physical punishment must not have worked on me, for I too am a violator of honesty. Lying has become so grossly pervasive in our lives, that we ENJOY raveling in deceit.

I'll be the first to admit, that I absolutely adore women's cleavage. I just love it! The line of sight down the middle of two spherical mass of flesh and the suggestion of what treasures lie waiting beneath is such a turn on. C-cup? D? E?? Or the Holy Grail of Grails, Double-D's??? Alas, even A's and B's can turn into fountains of fantasy with implants and push-up bras. The treachery!

Still, I don't enjoy it any less!

Until the truth comes out, of course... Then you're just plain disappointed.

But MEN, men are even worse in the department of infernal affairs. Fat men wear black to disguise their obesity ("Guilty as charged!")... Altitude-challenged men become beefcakes to hide their height (or lack there of)... Older men wear the most colorful drab they can get their withered fingers on at Bathing Ape to look younger (or queerer)... Queer men... Actually queer men are quite honest, to be honest. They dress, talk, walk and act the part. And can you imagine the courage of coming out that straight closet? Ballsy!

And the things we say to each other, what farce!

"Aww... today's your last day? Let's keep in touch!"

"Looks aren't as important to me as chemistry."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Umm... no it's not. Megan Fox is universally hot, and Ugly Betty is Ugly freaking Betty. One exception: White men's taste in Asian women. I know they can cook and speak English and everything, but Filipinos? And Lucy Liu? Shit, I'd make fun of her eyes!

"I'm gonna fuck your brains out!"

What? Are you sure you want to do that? Because I sure as hell don't recommend it! Imagine the clean-up afterwards! You've go to change the sheets, pillow casing, repaint the walls the victim is a squirter. It's just going to be an absolute mess.

Horatio and co. will have a field day at that crime scene...

Szechuan Women

Had an interesting conversation with my good friend tonight. He's one of the nicest guys I know: successful yet humble, funny yet never demeaning, smart yet hardworking. But the most amazing thing about this marvelous individual: he's SINGLE! Mental ain't it? To find out why, we summarized different characteristics of women from various Chinese-speaking cities:

HONG KONG WOMEN

- materialistic ("So are men! We just don't have the luxury of having someone else get it for us.")

- aggressive

- too smart ("You mean you prefer dumb girls?")

- gold-diggers ("Yeah... but to quote Chris Rock [again]: I'm not saying he [OJ Simpson] should've killed her, but I understand.")

- think they're prettier than they really are ("Amen to that!")

TAIPEI WOMEN

- LOVE ABC's ("Let's go to Taiwan together bro!")

- smart enough to act dumb at the right times ("That's the most advanced demonstration of intellect! Although it's sometimes difficult to tell if they're acting...")

- way, way, WAY prettier than the previous group... ("Amen to that!")

SHENZHEN WOMEN

- gold-diggers

- 'Nuff said ("Amen to that!")

SZECHUAN WOMEN on the other hand...

- Gentle

- Submissive

- Simple-minded

- Good cooks

Notice I don't have any responses to the Szechuan group because I was too busy laughing. Not to mention the "woman" he was describing was 9 years old... I bet he would fall for Congo Women: not only can they cook, they'll hunt down the meat too! Except for the language barrier I suppose...

Although, not understanding what your woman is saying isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Men are quite used to it.

WINNER:

Becoming a Ninja

"What do YOU want to be when you grow up?"

That's a very common question posed to children by teachers, parents, aunts and uncles. An astronaut, fireman, policeman, President of the United States, a ninja, Jedi Master, Harry Potter... A slew of delightful answers come out in a flurry of innocence.

As you age, this question becomes harder and harder, and the answers become more and more... predictable:

"I want to make partner..."

And with conditions:

"in 8 years time."

And qualifiers:

"Hopefully."

And consolatory options:

"If not, a promotion and raise will do..."

More qualifiers:

"A Promotion and/or raise."

"I want to make Partner in 8 years time. Hopefully. If not, a promotion and raise will do... A promotion and/or raise."

Still, a very descent and laudable answer.

But what ever happened to all the aspiring wizards and Padawans? Institutionalized by a society neutered of dreams; Caged in by cubicles and conference calls; Enslaved by social status measured by the kind of mobile phone you use, car you drive, neighborhood you live in and what tells you the time, becoming Gandalf or Yoda just can't cut it for you any more.

Society have made jobs out of careers. To paraphrase Chris Rock: when you're working towards a career, there isn't enough time in a day; when you're working in a job, the day cannot end sooner.

Next time you get the chance, ask children what they want to be when they grow up. Listen to their answers. Bet you won't hear many CEO's or Regional Managers. Look into their eyes and see the unadulterated conviction and joy. Remember the fire and belief? You had it once too!

I'm going to get mine back.

I want to be a ninja again.